Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
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To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
This line from Airplane.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN