Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
3% human
97% stress
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite