@Fred_Delicious Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
@mynameisntdave ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
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@Fred_Delicious 
@sad_tree *Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
@PhilJamesson watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
@JennSlowpez I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
@ColIegeStudent “College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
@PinkCamoTO It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
@Tbone7219 I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
@WashedUpTweeter I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
@offbeatoliv The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
@adamgreattweet whenever i wake up before my alarm
