@mynameisntdave

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

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@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

@sad_tree

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

@JennSlowpez

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

@PinkCamoTO

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

@Tbone7219

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

@WashedUpTweeter

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

@offbeatoliv

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.