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A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
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4.
5.awesome
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?