I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
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Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*