Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
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Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.