I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
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ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
This is me
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
#merica
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.