Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
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[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic