The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
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[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
The French word for sex is croissant.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[eulogy]
line?
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics