The French word for sex is croissant.
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How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Only a mother’s love …
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.