You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
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ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING