My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
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Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Ape together strong
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
How to make infinite energy.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.