My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
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[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
(more comics:
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend