GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
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Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
fr
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?