ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
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What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.