I’d rather go liquor treating.
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running