Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
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Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
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Not today. 😅
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Introverted vegans go meetless