@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

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@paprbckparadise

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

@mommajessiec

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

@yoyoha

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

@Manda_like_wine

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

@TheRealMelskee

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

@Brianhopecomedy

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

@WilliamAder

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

@thtchicmichelle

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.