He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
You Might Also Like
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.