He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
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[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
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Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st