[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people