me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
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Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.