[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I have never related to anyone more.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*