Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
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“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
giddy up Office Depot
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah