Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
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Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Matt Goss
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
#parenting