Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
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Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro