The second world war should have been called world war returns
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[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
