The second world war should have been called world war returns
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I cannot call her anything else now
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside