Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
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Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids