Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked