Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
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Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Yes, but it was never about money
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.