People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
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Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
58.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
#Caturday