How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
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I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer