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I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases