I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
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If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*