He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
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Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
work smarter, not harder
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?