@jonnysun ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
@XplodingUnicorn 3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
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@jonnysun 
@glamrockgoth Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
@CynicalTherapi1 People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
@sweet_toof Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
@sixfootcandy Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
@LoveNLunchmeat Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
@myonlymizztake My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
@shutupmikeginn I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
@dmc1138 Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
@DrakeGatsby I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.