@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

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@jonnysun

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

@glamrockgoth

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

@CynicalTherapi1

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

@sweet_toof

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

@sixfootcandy

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

@myonlymizztake

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

@shutupmikeginn

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

@dmc1138

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

@DrakeGatsby

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.