3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

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ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else


Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?


People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”


Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”


Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.


Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.


My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.


I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second


Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.


I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.