3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
You Might Also Like
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
My Guy
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging