Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
You Might Also Like
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly