Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
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[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business