How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
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I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round