How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
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I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
A game married people play.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.