Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos