My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
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Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
The most important meal of the day is the next one
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Reporter: *ports again*
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.