MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
You Might Also Like
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
this is the greatest thing ever
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Lmao
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative