[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
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ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Tuesday
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.