I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
You Might Also Like
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.