I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
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5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’