So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
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[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal