Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
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I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details