@AatosRaikkonen

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

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@TweetPotato314

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

@dave_cactus

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

@SomthinBoutSara

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

@WheelTod

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

@vonTraphaus

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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@Slygirl08

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

@BruceForce

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants

This is just a bottomless Pitt

@TheAlexNevil

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

@_SingleBabyMama

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.