@TweetPotato314 [i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
@AatosRaikkonen When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
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@TweetPotato314 
@dave_cactus [Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
@SomthinBoutSara If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
@WheelTod I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
@DamonHunzeker Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
@vonTraphaus Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
@Slygirl08 They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
@BruceForce Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
@TheAlexNevil 5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
@_SingleBabyMama Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.