three things we don’t talk about
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“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.