My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
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When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard