public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
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pizza
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
What even happened today?
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?