Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My flabber has been gasted.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳