Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” š³
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just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I just realized that Iām using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now sheās got a Coke habit.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: Itās the lyrics from Despacito.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, heās just a poor boy from a poor family.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Her: Whatās this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on ābon appetiteā and blurted out āmea culpa,ā but she seemed fine with it.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I donāt think theyāre tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] Itās ok, Iām taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My daughter just told me she doesnāt like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC